This is something I wrote a couple years ago; it’s not finished.
First, I must explain to you the nature of Louisiana swamp roaches. I’m sure you’ve seen a roach, unless you’re from a state that has a rampant tick problem instead. Roaches are nasty, secretive little creatures that steal your food, stay in the kitchen, and scurry when the lights come on. They know their place in society: squishable bugs. Not so with swamp roaches. They are bold and rebellious. They defend their chunk of old pasta, the odd piece of carrot under the stove. They fight back. They fly. Not only do they fly, they fly at you. Not just at you, but at your face. This is very unsettling.
New tactics have been designed to fight these creatures. One method, developed and perfected over the years by my mother, is to yell at the roach while beating it with a large, heavy object. Her favorite phrase to yell is “Die, sucker, die,” which lets the roach know exactly what it is supposed to be doing in case he gets confused. She swears that the yelling is what kills him, not the shoe.
One experiment supports her theory. One night, while sitting on the couch, she noticed a roach near her feet and promptly dropped a dictionary on it, neglecting to instruct him on his duty of death. After picking the book up, she noticed she had severed the head, which was now two inches from the roach’s body. She did not dispose of this carnage immediately; she wanted to show off her trophy to my father when he got home. Five minutes later she noticed the body crawling toward the head. She leapt into action, letting out a high-pitched scream and pulling her feet onto the couch. She began to bludgeon the roach with a shoe, now being quite sure to yell, “Die! Die!” which he did. This is conclusive evidence that yelling instructions is crucial in swamp roach warfare.
I have a slightly different method. I grab any spray bottle that could contain a potentially lethal substance, such as hairspray or Pledge, aim in the general direction of the roach and spray forcefully. I then walk briskly (okay, I’m running) in the opposite direction and hide, taking care to keep my eyes closed and my hands over my face. This allows me to strategically bump into walls as I make my retreat, which I’m sure lets the roach know I’m a force to be reckoned with.