And that’s why I’m friends with them. This was sent to me by my friend, M–. I hope she doesn’t mind my reposting it here, but really, everyone should read this at some point. I laughed the entire time I read it and still laugh when I think about it. This kind of interaction could only happen to her, really.
Subj: My workplace is so surreal
Lady 1: We’ve been talking and we’ve decided you need a leather skirt.
L1: And a matching leather jacket. Leather skirt!
Lady 2: She’s a size 8, right? So she can get it all up in whatever color at whatever stores. Purple, orange, white…
L1: I have to order my leather skirts from special fat folks catalogs.
L2: But M— can get whatever color she want up in there because she skinny. You know, sometimes it would be nice if I could get a purple leather skirt. I could prolly find a black one. But say I want a purple leather skirt! I’m gonna have to pay five hundred dollars!
L1: Well, think of how much leather they’d have to use to make one skirt for us. Like the equivalent of ten of her skirts. Oooh, girl, gotta get you a leather skirt and jacket. You’ll be in here all [does the “walk like an Egyptian” dance for no reason].
And so on. Then I ask L1 what she and her husband are doing for Valentine’s Day.
L1: (in a hushed, confidential tone) Imma spank the hell out of ‘im.
Me: . . .
L1: [hysterical laughter]
Me: What did you just say?
L2: She being nasty. She being NASTY!
L1: [still laughs hysterically, then abruptly stops] Imma make ‘im see stars!
Me: . . .
L1: I tell him — he’s all conservative — that he’s gonna be my baby tonight. Wash him up real good, wash his hair, shave him, wrap him up in a towel, then spank him like a baby… M—! Have you ever been wrapped up in a sheet covered with baby powder?
Me: Oh my god. What? No.
L1: It’s so nice.
L2: Whatever. Whatever! Not so nice for us black folks. You can’t get the powder off. You leaving the house and it’s all over your skin and you like, “Scuse me, I mispowdered myself!” [makes frantic “brushing imaginary powder off arms” motions] Embarrasing!
And then I was like, “Y’all crazy.” And left. And immediately began typing this.