Because my friends are funnier than I am

8 03 2008

And that’s why I’m friends with them. This was sent to me by my friend, M–. I hope she doesn’t mind my reposting it here, but really, everyone should read this at some point. I laughed the entire time I read it and still laugh when I think about it. This kind of interaction could only happen to her, really.
From: M—
To: Me
Subj: My workplace is so surreal

Someone just asked me if I had “sexy plans.” Only they said it like it was one word: sexyplans. Or perhaps sexiplans? AND THEN. Just now I went to get my eighth cup of coffee and the ladies that share an office were like, “M—, come in here!”So I do.

Lady 1: We’ve been talking and we’ve decided you need a leather skirt.
Me: What?
L1: And a matching leather jacket. Leather skirt!
Lady 2: She’s a size 8, right? So she can get it all up in whatever color at whatever stores. Purple, orange, white…
L1: I have to order my leather skirts from special fat folks catalogs.
L2: But M— can get whatever color she want up in there because she skinny. You know, sometimes it would be nice if I could get a purple leather skirt. I could prolly find a black one. But say I want a purple leather skirt! I’m gonna have to pay five hundred dollars!
L1: Well, think of how much leather they’d have to use to make one skirt for us. Like the equivalent of ten of her skirts. Oooh, girl, gotta get you a leather skirt and jacket. You’ll be in here all [does the “walk like an Egyptian” dance for no reason].

And so on. Then I ask L1 what she and her husband are doing for Valentine’s Day.

L1: (in a hushed, confidential tone) Imma spank the hell out of ‘im.
Me: . . .
L1: [hysterical laughter]
Me: What did you just say?
L2: She being nasty. She being NASTY!
L1: [still laughs hysterically, then abruptly stops] Imma make ‘im see stars!
Me: . . .
L1: I tell him — he’s all conservative — that he’s gonna be my baby tonight. Wash him up real good, wash his hair, shave him, wrap him up in a towel, then spank him like a baby… M—! Have you ever been wrapped up in a sheet covered with baby powder?
Me: Oh my god. What? No.
L1: It’s so nice.
L2: Whatever. Whatever! Not so nice for us black folks. You can’t get the powder off. You leaving the house and it’s all over your skin and you like, “Scuse me, I mispowdered myself!” [makes frantic “brushing imaginary powder off arms” motions] Embarrasing!

And then I was like, “Y’all crazy.” And left. And immediately began typing this.

Then L1 stood in the hallway and was like, “M—!” and then mimed spanking someone, only also miming baby powder going “poof” upon impact.
Other things that have been said to me at the office this week:
“Will you come into the break room and rub lotion on my rash, please?”
“Here, I have a gift for you — an empty basket. It used to have cupcakes in it and I just gave all the cupcakes away. But I thought you might enjoy the empty basket.”
“Let’s build an ark in your truck during lunch! I brought my tools from home.”
“I left a Victoria’s Secret catalog on your desk because I thought it might help you.”
“Someone dropped a tampon in the hall. WAS IT YOU?” (this said to me by TWO different coworkers– wtf?)
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