I’ve just gotten home. It’s 7:00 a.m. I’m gonna break this all down by time stamps:
1:20 am C’s phone rings. It’s the corporate office, saying that the alarms are going off at her store. She has to go meet the cops.
1:22 am Like an idiot, I say, “Sure baby! I’ll take a ride with you!”
1:45 am We arrive at the store. There are 3 cops cars there. A door has been busted out, someone has entered the store and stolen, as far as C can tell, some cigarettes.
2:30 am C comes out to where I’m sitting in the car and tells me it’s going to be a while. She tells me to drive over to the Walmart and pick up some water or something. I go into the deserted Walmart tired and braless. I feel very vulnerable and quickly buy two bottles of water and some gum.
3:15 am C talks to the main office and they say that a guy will be coming out to fix the glass. She has to stay and wait for him. The last cop takes off, which leaves us on an abandoned corner in front of a store with a broken door that can’t close. I feel really, really safe at this point. Also, I am still braless and feeling weird about that.
3:30 – 4:30 am Every truck that turns left at the light by the store is potentially the glass man. None of them are. We therefore scream obscenities at every pickup truck that passes. I am furiously chewing the spearmint gum I bought earlier.
4:40 am A truck pulls into the parking lot and C screams “Hallelujah!” We are both very excited for the glass to be fixed so we can leave. It turns out that it’s just a guy delivering newspapers. My soul is crushed, crushed like a beer can on a frat boy’s forehead. I slump further over the steering wheel and whimper.
5:15 am The glass man appears and I honk the horn for C to come outside. He begins pushing the rest of the glass out, sweeping it up, and then cutting a board for the door. A board . . . for the door. This takes forever.
6:07 am C and I are finally free to leave. As we drive away I turn and say to her “Yall should just keep boards and tools in the back. The two of us could have done that shit in 20 minutes flat and had it done WAY earlier.” C agrees—“We did it every time a storm came, we’re naturally gifted at boarding a door/window.” We decide that all people everywhere are stupid and we are more awesome than a fluffernutter sandwich with our untapped abilities.
6:40 am C and I get home. She heads upstairs for a shower because, get this, SHE IS GOING BACK TO WORK NOW. I tell her she’s stupid and far too good for those people and I hate them all forever. I decide to head to McDonald’s because at least I can make the most of this whole thing and eat a damn hashbrown.
7:03 am I start writing this sad little blog and teasing the cat with my hashbrown. The cat really really REALLY wants the hashbrown. Really.
7:20 am C leaves and I threaten her with death if she works her full 8 hour shift. She’s not even SCHEDULED until 10 but she has some sense of duty or something. Whatever. Blah. Duty-smooty. My girl needs sleep. And I guess so do I. I have a jam tasting to attend this evening (you heard me right) and I must rest.