One more time

22 06 2008

I’m posting this even though I posted it YEARS ago.  But it bears repeating.

I know, this sounds stupid, but hear me out.

In no way do I pretend that this is fact. I am merely explaining my view of things, as it looks from within my head. Not enough people do this, I think, and that leads to conflict and a general lack of empathy. So here goes:

Fish don’t have teeth. That’s right. In MY mind, that’s how it works. Some fish have teeth, but they must be either big or dangerous. Whales – big. They have teeth. Piranha – dangerous. They have teeth. Sharks are big and dangerous. They have extra teeth. Any fish that fails to fill either requirement – no teeth.

This theory tends to piss a lot of people off. Friends send me to biological web pages with diagrams of fish. My girlfriend threatens to take me to the aquarium to prove me wrong. I tell her “Why would I want to pay all that money to see fish gumming their food?” This makes her scream and hop around like I just snuck itching powder into her bar of soap. It’s funny.

Again, I never claimed that I was right, this is just how it works in my head. I understand that my brain often has nothing to do with reality. I mean, when I was in kindergarten and got cold in the classroom, I would make a pile of all my red, yellow and orange crayons and warm my hands over it. I actually believed that those colors were having an effect. Sure, it might have been the friction of my little hands rubbing together over the “fire,” but to this day I’m still halfway convinced that I was on to something. So quit telling me that I’m crazy! Just let me believe what I want to, it’s not hurting anyone.

Maybe next time I’ll tell you about my views on inanimate objects. They have feelings, you know. Ask Tom Robbins; he understands.




5 responses

22 06 2008

What about shrimp? Lobster? Do they have teeth? I really don’t know.

I DO know that when I was young, I’d wake up and get dressed in the bathroom. Get changed out of my warm PJs always made me cold, even in summer. And the bathroom had an electric heater. Flipping the switch and HEARING the strum of the heater always made my teeth stop chattering. Now, was our heater that badass or was it my mind settling down and my body acknowledging it wasn’t that cold?

I still need to HEAR a heater to feel warmer. Same with an a/c to a smaller degree. So those new fangled and QUIET units? That cost a fortune to NOT be heard? Useless to me!

So, yeah, I know what you mean. Small fish have no teeth.

22 06 2008

Crustaceans don’t concern me. They can have fangs for all I know.
I love the heater story. I need to have a fan on to sleep, whether it’s cold or not, because I can’t sleep without the white noise. In fact, in our current bedroom, C and I have a ceiling fan and a big tall oscillating fan on the wall. This is for a couple reasons: 1) it is damn hot in Texas. 2) That’s double the white noise.
My two biggest complaints when I can’t sleep? It’s too hot or too quiet. And I have to stick my feet out of the covers. I hate things on my feet.

22 06 2008

Part A) Tell the real reason you stick your feet out the covers, missy!

Section 2) What about alligator gars, test your memory, teeth or no teeth???

22 06 2008

Yes of COURSE gars have teeth, they are big and have long snouts like alligators. Duh. See? They are BIG, and so they can have teeth. These rules are simple.

23 06 2008

I knew you would know about gars cos of your experience as the on-call gaffer for Ronnie the ragin cajun when he caught “the big one”!!

Remember the cut-off head hanging from the hook?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: