This isn’t my day, thank God. It belongs to C. And she has graciously allowed me to tell you all about it.
She’s working the closing shift at a store in what we’re going to call a mildly shifty neighborhood. During her shift she:
- Stops a shoplifter. She’s on a ladder and can see the entire store, namely this man slipping red Revlon nail polish into his pocket. She hops down and asks him if she can help him find anything. He is shopping for his girlfriend, he says. He goes and fumbles around with some body wash and drops a bottle of it. C makes him buy it and brings him up to the counter. She holds his change hostage until he gives back the nail polish that is still in his pocket. He slams it onto the counter and she halfway hopes he breaks that as well so she can charge him.
- Avoids a hug from a bum with drool rolling down his face and chest. Said bum claims to be looking for one of those pens with 4 colors in one pen. He says she’s crazy when she tells him they aren’t made anymore. As he goes to hug her, she back-pedals quickly and says loudly “Don’t touch me. Nobody touches me!” He says “But sometimes it’s okay to be touched, especially—” “Do not continue that statement! Get the hell out of my store!”
- Watches while a woman with pus, scabs, and track marks on both arms disputes her foot-long receipt. C, who has been looking at this receipt for 10 minutes or more stops the woman from taking a bottle of chocolate milk with her because “that’s not on the receipt.”
- Sees a cop slam a man’s head into a gas-station counter
- Is told by the cashier at the next gas station that she has beautiful eyes. She just wants to buy her beer. Seriously.
But the best part is yet to come. The following is a conversation overheard by C at work.
Customer: I know yall are about to close, can I just get my stuff real quick and get out?
Sales Clerk: Sure, what can I help you find?
Customer: I need something for jock itch.
Sales Clerk: Okay, that’s over this way. (they walk down the aisle where C is). We have this kind and this kind.
Customer: What’s better? The cream or the spray?
Sales Clerk: I’m really not the one to answer that, I wouldn’t know. (the clerk is female, just so you know)
Customer: Okay, I’ll take this one.
Sales Clerk: Great. Anything else I can help you find?
Customer: Yeah, condoms.
Sales Clerk: Seriously? I don’t think that’s a good idea to mix with this particular ailment.
Customer: But I need them.
Sales Clerk: Um . . . okay.
(leads him off and eventually returns to C, who is laughing)
Sales Clerk: Oh god, that was disgusting.
C: How did you keep a straight face?
Sales Clerk: I don’t know. But I’m so glad I’m gay.