I’ve been wanting to see this movie for a while, and it popped up on my Instant Netflix today! And I was so recently charmed by another real-time review of Lost Boys, that I figured I would do one for this movie. It has such a brilliant, cheeztastic premise; how could I resist?
We begin with an aerial shot over some snow-topped mountains. This is how you know you’ll be watching a movie about nature. The music is creepy, and kind of sounds like something from a Harry Potter intro or a Tim Burton movie. I’m not really understanding that choice, but okay.
00:32 Electric Youth is in the house! I refuse to refer to Ms. Gibson as “Deborah.” I don’t care how much she whines, I ain’t doing it.
01:10 The view keeps switching between deep ocean and mountain scenes. All of nature will be addressed here. I’m just waiting for a shot of a lion on the veldt and narration by Sigourney Weaver now.
01:21 Nothing has even happened yet, and I’m already cracking up because the visual effects are by Tiny Juggernaut.
02:18 A helicopter and a caption that says something about sonar testing. I’m pretty sure the pilot is wearing pink lipgloss. It’s pretty shiny and very fetching for a man in a helmet.
02:53 Our first view of Electric Youth. Oh boy! She’s piloting some underwater . . . thing. She’s looking very made up for this kind of work, with lots of eyeliner, black nail polish, and a strappy black top. I think her gloss is the same shade as the helicopter pilot’s. ALSO, only her left hand has black nail polish on it. What is that about? Is it supposed to be some signal about her character? Does this mean she’s quirky and doesn’t follow the rules? Or did they really screw up that much when they were filming cutaway shots of the hand with the nail polish?
03:37 “Remember Lieutenant, this mission is classified. Should there be trouble, the government will deny its existence.” Um, if it’s so classified, should you be talking about it on a freaking radio??
04:31 Oh there’s a close shot of her right hand. With polish. You lazy bastards. Please notice when the shot pulls away that the polish is gone.
05:28 Uh-oh, the helicopter guy is about to “deploy LFAS.” No good can come of things with scary initials. Also, helicopter guy is a ventriloquist! His mouth doesn’t even move as he counts down. The gloss makes sense now, he’s gonna drop this thing and head back over to land in time for his vaudeville act.
07:06 A pack of whales start running for it and killing themselves against glaciers. We find out that the LFAS is a low-frequency active sonar and it’s illegal. Ooooh.
07:44 Man, this is some crazy editing. They’re using jump cuts between a toy that looks like a cross between a Delorean and a submarine that someone is drowning in a bathtub and shaky-cam on Electric Youth. I think I’m gonna hurl.
08:10 Our first views of the title characters. Electric Youth looks as surprised as she can manage.
08:40 On a Japanese drilling platform in the ocean, an American bigwig is getting a lecture about how the Japanese don’t like it when you pee on them, even if you call it a frat prank.
09:00 When lightning flashes, the entire world is leeched of color and turns black and white. I’m so glad I know that now. Thanks Tiny Juggernauts!
09:10 Sweet!! Already we have an attack. The octopus is going for the drilling platform. There’s lots of screaming, dramatic music, and then a close-up of an octopus eye. He looks a little sleepy, honestly.
11:09 Finally, some dramatic tension. Electric Youth is in trouble, since she took the underwater Delorean without permission. Tsk, tsk. Many people who are obviously scientists (white coats) are huddled around a massive whale carcass who is said to have died from getting too close to a propeller. Electric Youth takes one look at the ground beef and proclaims that the wound is organic. That’s what schoolin’ gets ya. Later she sneaks back to the roped off carcass and rips a big old shard of something from the whale. It makes a noise like when I mix meatloaf.
15:15 A survivor from the drilling platform is in jail. He’s coerced by a scientist to draw pictures of the thing that attacked. We’re not allowed to see the pictures yet, for some reason.
18:09 A plane. A passenger looks out of his window and screams “Holy shit!” as a shark careens mid-air toward him. This is officially more awesome than anything ever.
18:49 “Don’t love the ocean too much—it doesn’t love you back.” Truer words . . .
19:59 Christopher Plummer has an Irish accent. Mkay. It’s such a terrible accent that he is forced to tell Electric Youth that she might need “the luck of the Irish” and then calls her “lassie” so we get that he is, indeed, supposed to be Irish. Also, his character’s name is Lamar. Have you ever met an Irishman named Lamar? Me neither.
Electric Youth goes to Lamar’s house where they discover that the shard she stole is a fragment of an 11-foot tooth. They talk about Megalodon and how it fed upon whales and stuff.
24:05 The Japanese scientist arrives in San Francisco and is met by Electric Youth and Lamar. He’s kind of leering at Electric Youth, who looks down demurely. Sexual tension has been added to the mix, get ready. We also get to hear about government efforts to cover up any evidence of giant, prehistoric sea monsters.
30:01 A giant naval ship is shown. The captain is promising to “send that big bastard to hell.” However, they are using deck guns to shoot a fish. Are you with me on this? The guns that are above the water are supposed to kill the giant fish that is under the water. Just so we’re clear. I also really like how as one guy keeps screaming 1000 yards, 500 yards and closing, the same shot is consistently used of the shark approaching the ship. This makes it look as if the shark approaches, backs up, and then tries again. I knew it; this shark is just messing with them.
31:53 Electric Youth, Lamar, and Japanese scientist are taken to a holding facility where they run into Lorenzo Lamas! My God, Lorenzo is not looking too good these days. But at least he still has his little ponytail.
33:12 “Now clearly, we’re dealing with a menace that no one has ever imagined, much less counted on.” “Like Hurricane Katrina?”
Hahahaha. Yes, just like that. Asshat.
34:03 “Twenty years ago my ideas were treated with disdain and discharge . . .” Goodness, shouldn’t you be treating the discharge instead?
34:39 Lorenzo says he’s an equal-opportunity racist and Electric Youth smiles like he’s flirting. The ponytail has special powers, I guess.
35:44 The science people want to contain these amazing discoveries, the government wants to kill them. I seem to recall a similar argument in Lake Placid, and that all ended it tears, did it not? I wish Betty White was here to curse people out. Yet somehow the scientists convince Lorenzo that the creatures can be trapped in the bays of San Francisco and Tokyo. Lorenzo agrees by telling them to “work fast.” Now they just have to figure out how to lure them there. Whatever will they do??
37:05 We see the trio pouring things from one beaker to another, frowning into microscopes, and shaking their heads. Science is hard, yo. Especially when soldiers with rifles are pacing behind you.
39:55 Electric Youth and Japanese scientist, after a long night in the lab, share brief histories of why they love water. This gives them enough in common to run off and make the sex in an abandoned locker room. Post-coital chatter consists of scientific reasoning on why they each think the other smells good. Seriously. And of course this is the answer to how to lure the giant fishies into traps. Yeah, sex cures everything.
41:40 Did you know that when you make the proper pheromone combination, it turns neon green and starts glowing?
42:28 “How do we know they’ll take the bait?” “Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years. Wouldn’t you be a little horny?”
45:25 A giant tentacle just smacked a jet down. It is perhaps more awesome than the shark and the plane.
49:49 Electric Youth and Lamar are going into the water to catch the shark. I can tell this isn’t going to go well.
51:32 Yup, now they’re trying to release the final mate-bait and (gasp) it won’t release! They’re stuck there to be the object of a giant shark’s affections.
54:02 The Navy guys are firing at the shark. He looks pissed. Of course, once big bad doesn’t show up on their fancy radar, they assume he’s dead. Is he? No! He’s gonna eat the ship that shot at him. At this point, Electric Youth has banged the pheromones free and is now navigating murky water at high speed.
55:03 Mega Shark ignores his sexual urges and eats the Golden Gate Bridge. The music is very dramatic.
56:37 It didn’t go down so well in Tokyo, either. The military pissed off Giant Octopus and now it’s on a rampage. Lorenzo is now shouting about using nuclear weapons in order to avert a global catastrophe.
59:22 Electric Youth is sleeping fitfully and having flashbacks. She wakes up, runs to find Lamar and shouts “Thrilla in Manilla! We’ll get them to kill each other!” Why will this work, you ask? “Only a hate stronger than their combined survival instinct could force such a result.” Logic, kids. It works every time.
1:05:13 A Caesar quote, really.
1:13:54 As the sex-smelly sub tries to lose a horny shark in an ice maze, one guy finally loses his shit and points a gun at the captain.
1:15:07 As the shark is about to eat the sub, his tail is suddenly looped by the octopus. This is it, the final showdown. And there are sound effects! One of them is groaning, octopus has shark in a choke hold. But shark bites off a tentacle and wriggles free! They circle each other before shark gives chase. Oh, but octopus releases a cloud of ink in shark’s face and escapes.
1:18:21 We’ve returned to where it all began, but shark is trying to eat Electric Youth’s sub. Electric Youth, Lamar, and Lorenzo take off in the Delorean while the rest of the crew stays behind as chum.
1:20:38 Octopus tries to snap the Japanese sub in half, but is too overcome with malevolence and goes after shark instead. There is a fantastic squick noise as he takes off. Octopus loops shark, but shark gets away and counters with a head-butt. More looping, more biting, and I’ve gotta say that the octopus doesn’t seem to stand a chance. But then with his last, uh, gurgle, octopus holds tight and squeezes the life out of shark as they fall to the depths of the ocean. Electric Youth looks sad.
1:24:30 As Electric Youth and Japanese scientist share an awkward romantic moment on the beach, Lamar shows up with news of another giant creature. Aww yeah, do I hear sequel??