The seamy side of suburbia

21 05 2011

C and I went out for Thai food tonight and there was this super loud table near us, 2 middle-aged couples, one couple clearly visiting from out of town. The woman of the in-town couple kept trying to convince the other couple to come back to their house for “just a touch of Frangelico.”  She just kept on needling them about it, in her intoxicated way. And the more she insisted, the dirtier it sounded. C and I were trying not to giggle but we kept on looking at each other and she would whisper “Just a touch . . . of FRANGELICOOOOOO” and I would snort so hard that Thai tea almost came out of my nose (a sad waste of an excellent drink).

Here’s the conversation they were having, along with subtext.

Drunk lady: Just come back to ours, we’ll have a touch of Frangelico (also, we’re swingers).
Visiting man: We’d like to, Karen, but it is getting late… (please leave me alone, freak)
Drunk husband: It’s hard to turn her down (when she’s holding the whip), Stan. You’d better just do what she says
Visiting woman: Stan, maybe we should. I might like some Frangelico (light bondage). I haven’t had any in a while (because you’re lame in bed).
Drunk lady: Yes! Frangelicoooooo. It’s so good. I can tell you need some (no subtext needed; I mean COME ON!)
Visiting man: I just don’t think we can (Step OFF, skank!).
Drunk husband: Stan, have you even HAD Frangelico? It’s amazing (you will love it, son).
Drunk lady: (whispering) Frangelicooooooo.

Needless to say, this is my new favorite euphemism.


Well that’s just funny

30 04 2011

I was going through this blog and reading old posts, and right there, November 2, 2009 I proclaim “I don’t ever intend to own a Kindle; I just really like the feeling of a REAL book in my hands.”

Oh, things change so quickly.  Because now I DO own a Kindle, and I love it, and I would wither and die if anything ever happened to it.

Now, a Kindle is not good for some things. It’s greyscale, and pictures or graphics can turn out oddly but since I read books for grownups on it, I just care about the text being okay. And it is (unless there’s poetry). I have read more books in 3 months than I did all of last year. And that’s saying something because I’ve been working more since December (hello 70+ hour weeks!). But I carry my Kindle with me everywhere. And even though I read all day, every day for work, I don’t seem to mind reading books when I’m not working.

Also, can we just talk about the dangers of instant gratification? I can be lying in bed and click! buy a book. It’s sick. So yes, I’m probably spending more money and yes, I do miss the joy of hunting through a book store but I LOVE the fact that if I finish a book I can just move on to the next one. I was happy as hell on my recent trips that I wasn’t sorting through books according to weight or length or how much room they would take in my carry-on, or would I lose it in the car somewhere around Lafayette.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that not long after working for a digital publisher I got an e-reader. But seriously. At one point or another I’ve had to work with almost EVERY device available and . . . you start getting used to it.  And then start forming opinions. And then preferences. For instance, there was an episode of The Office, like a month ago?  Darryl went into a store and was buying an e-reader. And as soon as I saw that blue button, I knew he was buying a Kobo. And I yelled at the TV “Noooooooo, don’t do it!!!”  Because Kobo sucks. And everyone at work who had seen the same episode had the same reaction.

And now I’ve started building my own e-books. Just because I can.  I found some free software that does it and went and found my favorite story online (The Dead Isle, it’s awesome) and . . . made an e-book out of it. So now I can read it whenever I want. I think this is going to be a very handy skill.

Anyway, all this to say that so much changes in 1 1/2 years. I love how certain I was back then about never owning one of them new-fangled devices.

General Update

30 04 2011

So . . . as always I begin my blog with an apology to myself.  I work too much, it’s true. But that’s finally FINALLY starting to even out a little, helped enormously by the fact that I was able to hire a proofreader to do some my work so that I can do some of my OTHER work.

Reading and reviewing magazines all day every day? Kind of sucks. I feel bad for my proofreader.  But with her helping me out, I get to take a break from that a few days a week and return to making training materials and holing myself up in a room with Captivate, screaming at the text-to-speech function and highlighting pretty boxes. I’m actually looking forward to that.

However, after 1 1/2 years of working too hard and getting paid too little, and being a temp the entire time, there is finally a job offer on the table. It’s not finalized, because I countered for a higher salary, but I think it’s going to work out. So that’s good. Benefits and vacation! Paid time off!!  As soon as I can find a week that I can actually take, C and I are going somewhere.  I don’t know where. But her aunt has offered to let us stay in her beachfront condo in La Jolla.  That’s too good to pass up.

Also, there is talk of me being sent to the Philippines to train another team.  Hahahahahahaha. I don’t know what I think of that except C pouted when I said I could be there anywhere from 2-6 weeks. I want to go, but 6 weeks is rough. I suppose I’ll just deal with it when it happens.

Other than work, I have no news. Because other than work I have almost no life. However, I’m going to be making efforts to actually cook again, and to that effect I’m finally using the ice cream maker Casey gave me and making a honeydew sorbet. I’m also making C’s favorite breakfast. And I’m making tiny little promises to myself that I’ll return to writing in my blog.

The dream I had

16 02 2011

I haven’t kept up with my blog but I’m here now for the express purpose of relating the incredibly weird dream I had. It went like this:

Andie MacDowell and Natalie Portman were at a park. Or something. I don’t know who started it, but they started arguing. As a way to make her point, Andie MacDowell pulled her hair back and said “This the face of someone who KNOWS what she’s talking about.”

And Natalie was terrified.  She was all like “Oh my GAWD” and started crying and running away.

And so then Andie was angry and screamed “Don’t you run away from ME, Natalie Portman!!” as she morphed into a rage-fueled monster.

And she started chasing her and Natalie was scrambling under a slide trying to get away and wailing with that special cry-face she has.

I woke up before it ended and just sat there thinking . . . “Uh, what?”

I also had a dream about a really inconvenient shopping cart that had buttons on the side that you had to push to go forwards and backwards and side to side and it was VERY difficult to do something complicated like turn your cart around because you forgot the tortilla chips. Of course, no one else had trouble with their carts, I was the only one looking like a moron who couldn’t push her shopping cart and C was up by the produce giving me the impatient look as I screamed “I can’t do this! Who makes a shopping cart this complicated?!?”

Anyway.  I think the first dream has to do with work, in a way, because I have to read these terrible magazines all day, every day, and I keep seeing Andie MacDowell’s face in the makeup ad and Natalie Portman everywhere else (Black Swan! She’s pregnant! She married a millipede or something!).

So, I’m obviously cracking up and losing my damn mind.

Checking in

20 10 2010

My poor blog.  Alone, unloved, unwanted.

I wish this could be a cooler update . . . I’m still working at “the job.”  I’m still a temp for almost a year now.  I finally got a half-assed job offer from the company to work for them, but still as a temp.  It’s just a way for them to get out of paying the staffing company and still not give me any benefits.  I’m oddly bitter about that.

However, I did get a small raise and I still like my work. I have a title: Technical Training Specialist.  I’m being included in discussions with publishers and referred to as “the one in charge of documentation and guidelines.”  At this point I’m biding my time, learning what I can, and keeping an eye out for different opportunities.

And that’s really all that’s happening with me.  C and I moved into a new apartment in June, we’re pretty happy with it.  My parents are going to be moving to Atlanta, which is just . . . weird. C and I want to buy a new couch.

I fully intend to start posting here again and sharing funny stories (now that I have a shorter, more normal work week).  If anyone still reads this anymore, stay tuned.

The planet

19 07 2010

I’ve apparently fallen off of it.

The temp job I started in November is still happening.  I got a promotion in January, working for the VP of my department. I’m kind of in love with my job. I work on Production Metrics and training, and where I used to just take the guidelines and build software simulations and training videos, now I’m writing the guidelines myself and creating entire phases of testing. It’s pretty cool. I’m in charge of testing and training a new outsource team, and they’re so awesome that they make my teeth hurt.

All that being said, I’m still a temp. I think there’s a great chance of being hired on permanently, especially now that it seems the hiring freeze is coming to an end and based on the feedback I’ve gotten from my boss.  This could turn into an actual career, which would be great.

But I haven’t worked less than 50 hours in a week in . . . wow, a lot of months. And most weeks are way over 50 hours.  Which is why my poor blog has been all neglected.  I have tons of funny stories saved up, never fear.  And I promise to tell them.  As soon as I get some sleep.

I suck as a caretaker

8 05 2010

C finally went to the doctor today and came home with a diagnosis of outer ear infection.  I’m at the computer, working on a particularly annoying training video . . .

C: Can you put my ear drops in for me?
Me: What? No. It’s not hard. Lie down there (pointing to guest bed) and go bloop bloop in your ear 3 times.
C: I want you to do it!
Me: Why on earth do you want me to do it?
C: Because you do it better.
Me: How would you know? I’ve never done it!
C: Just put the ear drops in!
Me: Fine. GOD. Lie down.  (I grab the drops and start shaking them)
Me: (almost dropping the . . . drops)  Jesus Christ don’t yell like that! What is it?
C: You have to warm them up in your hand first.
Me: Now you’re just lying. I’ve never heard such a crazy thing.
C: No it says right here on the directions — warm bottle in hands so that the temperature difference doesn’t cause dizziness.
Me: Those must be the wussy baby directions.
C: Well, they didn’t say anything about special directions, it just says it on the label.
Me: They took one look at you and said, “Give her the wussy baby directions.”
C: Do it anyway. It says so on the label. If you don’t follow the directions you’ll go to jail.
Me: Right.  (I proceed to put 3 drops in her ear)
C: It’s cold!! You dripped on my head!
Me: Stop fidgeting then!
C: You didn’t warm them up!
Me: You sat here and watched me snuggle this damn bottle in my palms. Not my fault you have weird ears.
C: You’re no good at this. (pouty lip starts happening)
Me: I was trying to tell you that and now it’s too late. Should have listened to me.

I do feel bad for her, I’ve had TONS of ear infections. A couple years ago I had a middle ear infection so bad I was just sobbing and it was too swollen for the medicine to get in.  So you might think I would be a little more sympathetic, right?  But I’m not.  I’m just all, “suck it up, sicky!”

Oh well.