I haven’t added to this in a while

5 08 2014

So, let’s see. C and I bought a house almost 3 years ago. Which I find hilarious. We now have two cats and TWO DOGS. Which is just as unbelievable.

Since I’m never satisfied with life, I constantly look at homes on Trulia. All the time, and in lots of different cities. And you know what? Some of the pictures posted are just so, so bad. What is the thought process behind some of these? Who took them, the owner or the agent? Either way, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Since I clearly can’t be bothered to update my blog with actual entries about life or feelings, this is a new feature that I’m putting up. 

Sharon Can’t Believe These Pictures

And today is the first post!

Let’s start with this one.


This? Is not tidy. Picking up all your crap from the floor and piling it on top of a dresser is just changing the level of your crap. This does not count as cleaning. Also, is that a dirty shirt under your bed? Why is it not in the prominently displayed laundry basket? What is that on the bed? Is that a piece of paper? A suicide note? I’m also irritated about the picture not being centered over the bed, but that’s nothing compared to everything else. 

Next up, the bathroom!


Wow. Look at that half-used bottle of mouthwash. That is…something. The cap isn’t even screwed on. Was the owner in such a hurry to snap this picture that they couldn’t even screw the cap back on properly, much less put the bottle away? Also, I see that rolling storage cart in the background. You know what that tells me about your bathroom? That it lacks storage. Maybe don’t leave that out as a clear sign of the lack of cabinet space.bedroom2

You didn’t want to straighten the curtain or vacuum under the bed? Really?bedroom3

Just…why even bother at this point? Listen, home photographers. If your pictures look all terrible like this, and everything is unmade, sloppy, and not clean, I tend to assume that you don’t take good care of your house. Like, structurally. Whether it’s true or not, it’s all the information I have at this stage and all I can think about is what a headache it will be to deal with later on. And there are other homes for sale.bedroom4

Wow, just not even trying at this point. Someone literally kicked a pile of clothes into a corner and said “done!”















Go here now

27 02 2010

A guy from work does this web comic, and I laugh my ass off every time it’s updated.

Go. Read it now!     Life After Ph.D.

You must go here

29 09 2009

My new obsession? Egg Radio. It’s a great online radio station with a weird, eclectic mix.  There’s a rating system, and members can upload songs to the library. I’ve been uploading like a champ.  Spender, the man with the plan, even sent me a message telling me he was about to play “Total Eclipse” by Billy Cobham.  This made my day since I personally strive to make every man, woman, and child a fan of Mr. Cobham.  He will show you the way, kids. I swear it.  You know how kids are supposed to listen to Beethoven and get better at math?  Listening to Cobham (or many other funk bands) instantly makes you cooler and more socially viable.

And there’s my shout out for the day.

What else is going on?  Umm, a couple of friends are headed into town this weekend to attend the Cake Wrecks book signing downtown.  I’m supposed to be cleaning the apartment.  If you know me, you know exactly how much I’ve accomplished thus far (the answer is 5%).  You know, if I could just get C to do the floors, I’ll do the rest.  Because I hate vacuuming and mopping more than anything.  I’d even rather clean the tub, and that’s saying something considering that by the time I’m done my knees are kind of bruised and disgusting looking.

This is turning into a really boring post, isn’t it?  I wish I had some funny story or weird insight to share.  Give me a week, I’ll try to come up with something better.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus: a real-time review

14 09 2009

mega shark

I’ve been wanting to see this movie for a while, and it popped up on my Instant Netflix today!  And I was so recently charmed by another real-time review of Lost Boys, that I figured I would do one for this movie.  It has such a brilliant, cheeztastic premise; how could I resist?

We begin with an aerial shot over some snow-topped mountains. This is how you know you’ll be watching a movie about nature.  The music is creepy, and kind of sounds like something from a Harry Potter intro or a Tim Burton movie.  I’m not really understanding that choice, but okay.

00:32  Electric Youth is in the house!  I refuse to refer to Ms. Gibson as “Deborah.”  I don’t care how much she whines, I ain’t doing it.

01:10  The view keeps switching between deep ocean and mountain scenes.  All of nature will be addressed here.  I’m just waiting for a shot of a lion on the veldt and narration by Sigourney Weaver now.

01:21  Nothing has even happened yet, and I’m already cracking up because the visual effects are by Tiny Juggernaut.

02:18  A helicopter and a caption that says something about sonar testing. I’m pretty sure the pilot is wearing pink lipgloss.  It’s pretty shiny and very fetching for a man in a helmet. Read the rest of this entry »

Dancin’ your cares away

11 09 2009

Movies that make you shake your ass, a 80s dance movie retrospective

There are two things that mark a true 80s dance movie: underdogs and cheese. The best dance movies are about overcoming hardship through the transformative power of dance. Dance that is cheesy, overwrought, and only very passably cool (and maybe only for a month after the movie’s release).
But I love cheesy dance movies. I’m not ashamed to say it. I will watch the worst movies made as long as there’s rhythmic movement involved. Plot? We don’t need a plot! Just tack on a remotely plausible reason for the dancing! It’s all about the DANCING.
Anyway, here is a list of some of my favorite “so bad they’re awesome” 80s dance movies. Some are classics, some aren’t. There might even be one or two you’ve never heard of. In which case, you’re welcome.

Flashdance (1983)

Oh, Flashdance. You inspired an entire generation to change their exercise routine and start wearing one shoulder off of a ripped t-shirt. You not only unleashed the secret of the bra removal, you turned it into a mid-date seduction technique. But the point of the whole movie is an inexplicable stipper/welder combination who dreams of something better. Naturally, she’s self-taught and encounters snobbery from the other ballet dancers (and even the snooty receptionst who we all wanted to punch in her pinched, non-dancing mouth).

But she overcomes! She goes in and dances her own style and wows the judging panel. She even makes one guy start blowing his nose to the beat—she’s that good.

Unintentionally funny parts
*0:40  I’m sorry, did she pull a loose record from her jumbled dance bag? Shouldn’t it be all scratched?
*0:52  Why is the snotty receptionist on the judging panel?
*1:00  The nervous, shaking fingers that make it difficult to place the needle on the record. Now that everything is just a slight nudge of a button, the image of fingers on stereo equipment is rarely used to reveal anything. The other time was in Fright Night when a long vampire nail seductively reaches out to press “play” on a tape deck. It was awesome.
*The obvious wig on the dancer
*The outdated dance moves that would, today, get someone shitcanned on So You Think You Can Dance.

But you can’t deny it. When the song hits its stride and the dancing lets loose, you cheer for her all the way.

Dirty Dancing (1987)

Now, this one has a more complicated underdog story. While in Flashdance the romance is peripheral to the protagonist’s dream, in Dirty Dancing the romance is created through dance. We all know the plot: privileged, sheltered girl meets a hunka burnin’ love at a summer camp. There’s a (gasp!) abortion that scares (yet oddly excites) the girl and necessitates that she spend a lot of time with the bad boy. Dancing. Dirtily. Oh baby.

Baby might be the main character, but all she’s having to prove is that she’s an adult or something and really isn’t the bumbling idiot everyone thought. The real underdog here is Johnny (Swayze).  He just works for the man, occasionally gets taken advantage of by rich women, and gets shit on by Neil, the annoying manager on a permanent power trip. But Johnny gets his revenge. No, I’m not talking about deflowering Baby and having it thrown in her rich father’s face.  He gets to dance his way dammit, in front of all the rich people. His dancing is actually a giant “fuck you” interpretive which brings everyone over the dark side of dirty dancing. And they like it! A lot! Everyone dances! His dancing makes Baby’s father forgive him (along with Robbie’s admission, but whatever). And again, no matter what you might have thought about the movie leading up to the final scene, you know that seeing them dance together and pulling off that damn lift makes your own heart get a little squishy.

Unintentionally funny parts
*0:20 He beckons her by crooking his finger at her. I find this unspeakably funny and a little dirty.
*1:38  That swooning look she gives him.
*1:45  They are so enamored of each other, they forget to keep dancing!
*1:48  “Crap! Start dancing again!”
*1:50  “Ha ha! We’re dancing again and I am giddy with relief because this time you’re the one who screwed up our routine. La la la, not Baby’s fault this time!”
*1:59  Dirrrrrrty.
*2:04  That screaming girl should be at a sporting event or a concert.  And even though this is set in the 1960s, she looks as if she’s screaming at Bon Jovi back when he had girl hair.
*2:12  Weeeee!
*2:20  Johnny leaps off the stage in order to show off his absolute freedom, his poo-pooing of the rules that asshats like Neil try to force on him. Let us all find something and leap from it (barring tall buildings) so that we may share in this exhilaration.
*2:24  The concert-screamer is losing her mind.
*2:41  Oooh, thrusting.  Which Baby finds amusing.
*2:53  “Come on!”  You know that’s what he screams to his fellow dancers right then.
*2:55  The inexplicable “group mentality” portion of the dance number.  Did they all practice this every summer, just in case Johnny was able to one day stage a coup?  Or is the spirit of rebellion so strong and Johnny’s sweat so pungent that they all just fall into line?
*3:23  The lift!!  The effing lift!!  Come on, even the most cynical bastards get a little happy right now.
*3:33  “Oh my God, we did it! You didn’t drop me! I want you so much right now.  Let us run away to make the sex.”
*3:59  Right there, the girl in the polka dots!  Doriana Sanchez, the disco choreographer from So You Think You Can Dance. You can find her everywhere, eventually.
*4:07  Are these women lesbians?  Sorry, “romantic friends?”

Staying Alive (1983)

The sequel to Saturday Night Fever sees our beloved Tony Manero trying to make it as a Broadway dancer. Like Alex from Flashdance, Tony is self-taught and trying to compete against people with absolute gobs of technique and experience. Cynthia Rhodes plays the slightly shabby love interest with a heart of gold. By the way, for those that don’t know, Cynthia Rhodes is the glue of 80s dance movies, especially since she’s in the first three movies of this list. Recognize.

Finola Hughes is the other love interest (because Tony Manero always has at least two women on the line) and plays the uber diva dance bitch from hell. In fact, she quite literally plays the queen of hell in the final dance number. AWESOME.

Anyway, Tony bucks all the odds and manages to become the star of the show. But that isn’t enough, oh no. Like Johnny Castle, he has to do it his way or it just isn’t validating enough. And he does, to the point of throwing his co-star off the stage and going into a crazy, shimmying solo.

Unintentionally funny parts
*0:02  The demons are groaning. Or is that moaning?  These are some sexy freaking demons. Frankly, if hell is this much of an orgy, sign me up.
*0:10  The unitards that the guys are wearing, with the chests cut out . . . I don’t know whether the point is to make me giggle or do a demony moan/groan.
*0:25  What is that noise that chick just made?  Putting my onomatopoeic skills to the test, I bring you “Oh-UNGH!”
*0:31  Finola Hughes and Cynthia Rhodes are giving each other stink eye.  Keep it professional, ladies.  You’re fighting over John Travolta, have some perspective.
*0:38  Here comes his shinyness now.  Did they rub him down with Vaseline for this?
*0:42  I hear whip noises, but I see rope.  ROPE.  They couldn’t have at least painted the rope?  I’m not scared of fat white rope.
*1:48  Heaven is a strobe light/laser show.  Does that mean God is a DJ?
*2:13  I just can’t.stop.laughing.  He is leaping with total abandon, isn’t he?
*3:25  Threw the Hell Queen right off the stage.  Where she kind of rolled.  This would have been more awesome if she grabbed some of those ropes and brought the curtains down on him.
*Are we all aware that this was directed by Sylvester Stallone?  Really?  This the secret vision of Rocky? I guess that explains the uber-glistening.

Sing (1989)

You want an underdog? Man, have I got the movie for you. Not only is there a bad boy/good girl romance, the entire school is trying to overcome something. And the worst thing, the absolute worst thing about having your school shut down, your neighborhood declared a pile of shit, and having to maybe not be around all your friends anymore is the prospect of having your talent show canceled.

Okay, I guess I can see that the show is symbolic, a final “fuck you” to the bureaucratic asshats who are closing down the neighborhood. I’m willing to give in. There are actually two scenes that are worth mentioning.  In the first, the bad boy, Dominic (Peter Dobson), is caught by his teacher (Lorraine Bracco) practicing his dance moves. In a dark alley. Because that’s where you secretly dance, obviously. Naturally, she stops and challenges him to a kind of inspirational dance-off.

Unintentionally funny parts
*2:48  The dialogue that crescendos right along with the music
*The super cool, dramatic lighting that you can only get in a back alley.
*3:07  Lorraine “Sopranos” Bracco flailing her arms at the beginning of the dance number
*3:22  Elvis!

Naturally, the shows get put on and yes, there is a final dance number. A couple, actually. But it’s the final final one that counts. People cheer wildly, some even cry. Maybe you will, too.

Unintentionally funny parts
There are none, because this number is AWESOME and inspirational and you will love it. They are dancing and singing and it is glorious. There is, however, one funny moment completely on purpose involving a cop and one of the school board asshats.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1985)

Before Sarah Jessica Parker ignited debates and murdered fashion sense as Carrie Bradshaw, she played a dance-lovin army brat whose biggest dream was to make it onto DTV, a dance program filmed in Chicago. Lucky her, her family has just moved there! But her overbearing military dad won’t let her go to the auditions. So her new best friend, Lynne (Helen Hunt), convinces her to sneak downtown and try out.  She makes it through auditions and is paired with bad boy (natch) Jeff for the final competition on live television.

Unintentionally funny parts
*The whole thing is a montage of dance styles.
*1:35  Punk dancing!
*1:59  Helen Hunt is dancing. This might be the only time you ever get to see this.
*2:43 Jeff sees Janey as the dance goddess she really is, even though she’s wearing a uniform.
*3:23  Running around rhythmically on stage and then crashing through some paper into a shaft of sunlight means a guy is not only a dance god, but probably has a giant penis.

But okay, Janey and Jeff finally make it to the big show and are pitted against Janey’s nemesis, Natalie. Natalie is a rich bitch debutante with an automated closet, just so you know. Through many trials and tribulations that include revenge at a party, petty disagreements, Janey’s getting caught sneaking out, and her subsequent grounding they are able to come together and dance, dammit. Also witnessing the dancing suddenly makes Janey’s dad all supportive or something. I think.

Unintentionally funny parts
*0:25 He’s hanging on to her like she’s a cranky toddler. My mom used to drag me out of stores just that way.
*3:22 Natalie’s “ungh” thrust during her dance number
* 3:27  The obvious difference between the slow, half-witted turns of SJP’s close up and the up to speed version of her double
*4:09 “Let’s do it.”  That’s your battle cry? Really?

White Nights (1985)

Well, as far as underdogs go, you can’t beat political persecution. This movie is a little less cheesy than all the others because the plot is actually interesting and the actors are solid. Mikhail Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines are the main characters, Isabella Rossellini and Helen Mirren are supporting. That is a fairly powerhouse combo of real dancers and actors.

Baryshnikov plays a Russian ballet dancer who fled the country and emigrated to America during a tour. His plane crashes in Russia, they figure out who he is, and keep him there because in Russia he’s considered a criminal. Hines is an American dancer who emigrated to Russia after his disgust with himself and his country following the Vietnam War. Also, they are white and black, respectively, and dance in completely different styles. They couldn’t be more different!

Still with me? Oh, good. So! Hines is assigned to Baryshnikov to convince him that dancing in Russia is the best thing ever and he should stop plotting his escape. The mean old KGB guy is now threatening Hines and his wife, and at one point takes the wife away in the dead of night.

So Hines and Baryshnikov have to learn how to work together. This means they have to dance together in order to show their newfound cooperation to the KGB guy (who watches them on secret camera all day).. No, really.

Unintentionally funny parts
*0:12  That little face makes me giggle.
*0:39  Double crotch shot of two very famous dancers
*1:00  That little fist brought just so, ugh. Dance power!
*1:05  First of all, Baryshnikov is tap dancing. Mkay. This is fine but it suddenly makes Hines, who is a beautiful and amazing dancer, look almost clumsy. Weird.
*1:22  This is not funny at all. That little hip move of Baryshnikov’s still, to this day, makes me swoon a little. I don’t know what it is.
*1:56  Run!
*2:04  KGB man wants to dance, but he only knows how to box. Sad.

Baryshnikov hooks up with his former dance partner (Mirren) who now has some measure of freedom and power. Of course, she’s really bitter about the inquisitions she dealt with following his hasty and criminal departure. She just wants him to stay in Russia and behave. How does he convince her to help? With the power of dance, of course! He shows her what freedom means by moving unconventionally and breaking with all of his ballet training. And she is moved to tears.

Unintentionally funny parts
*0:19  Apart from breaking into the world of tap, he has also been studying break dancing and is going to tentatively give it a try here.
*0:24  I’m a tortured infant
*0:26  Who grows into a cranky toddler. Tantrum! I don’t wanna dance in Russia!

I kid, some of this is amazing and I’m betting that Mia Michaels saw it in her formative dance years and said “Yeah! I don’t wanna follow the rules either!”

Fast Forward (1985)

Oh, honey. Really. I can’t even tell you how craptastic this movie is. That’s why I saved it for the end. For those of you willing to read this far, this is the lopsided cherry on the dance pile, the wonky pirouette of doom.

First of all, you should know that this is directed by Sidney Poitier which, I think, lends a certain credibility to the whole thing.

Fast Forward is a noble tale of 8 teenagers from Sandusky, Ohio. They are a dancing/singing group working hard, rehearsing daily in an abandoned building, dreaming of running away from home to a compete in a talent competition in New York City. Because talent scouts are always on the lookout for a dance group. They’re different, and edgy. Also, they are racially diverse.

So! They get there! The main guy, with whom two of the group members had an in, he’s all recently dead. The talent competition has been moved back by a few weeks. A decision has to be made, go home and forget about it or stay there in the big, scary city and wait it out.

I think you can figure out which option they choose.

While they’re waiting, they decide to dance on the street for money. Another dance group (my, but they’re just everywhere!) gets all angry at a club one night and the leader, Caesar (Michael DeLorenzo) challenges them to a battle. Our poor little group gets their asses handed to them by Caesar’s break dancing, nunchuk wielding, hair flinging group of inner city misfits. Yeahhhh.

The main choreographer of the Ohio group flips his shit at this outcome and figures that since they’ll be playing to a New York crowd, maybe they should learn some new moves beyond the quasi-contemporary stuff they learned from watching tv. So they all learn some hipper dance moves (compared to what they were doing, anyway) and then go back to the club and challenge Caesar again. And they win!

Unintentionally funny parts
* 0:05  That long haired chick in the leopard print from Caesar’s crew? Doriana Sanchez.  I told you she was everywhere.
*0:24  When the girl in the blue and black stripes does that weird lean to the left, it looks like the exact same thing my mom does when she has to burp.
*1:30 Caesar’s girls really are a hot mess—all I see is frantic posing and messing up of hair
*1:43  The girl in the white jumpsuit from the Ohio group is the most ungainly, graceless dancer I have ever laid my eyes on
*2:28  When they spin while waving their hands overhead like that, all I hear is “Yoo-hoo!” in a kind of cartoon voice.
*3:21  What is that, mime? Why didn’t Caesar just punch him in the mouth, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do to mimes?

Again, the group has to overcome great obstacles in order to perform in the big show. But they make it, and they win by singing and dancing and showing these New York assholes that innovation combined with technique is an unstoppable force. Also, white leotards and little black jackets are super stylish.

Unintentionally funny parts
*I don’t have time to explain the old lady with spiked hair, just watch the movie
*Is it just me, or do the white leotards, due to the short little jackets, have the appearance of granny panties?
*The girls are also wearing little white lace gloves with the fingers cut off. I just wanted to point that out.
*2:26  Well, that’s a way to kill time, everyone stand in a line and switch places. It’s like the dance equivalent of not having a verse for a song, going “la la la” and then forgetting to write a new line before it’s time to record.
*3:05 Ahoy!
*3:29  Woo! I just did the robot for 3 whole seconds! Time to hyperextend in celebration!
*3:38  Well, yes, that is a head spin. But her little legs all akimbo crack me up every single time I watch it.

For those of you with Instant Netflix, Fast Forward and White Nights are currently available right this very second. Watch them now, thank me later.

Song in my head

3 08 2009

Last week I saw (500) Days of Summer on two separate occasions. Once with M, and the second time with C because she wanted to go to the movies, she’s never on remotely the same schedule as my friends, and almost everything else that was playing was either not interesting, at the wrong time, or we had already seen it.

Have I mentioned I go to the movies a lot?

I’ve already mentioned this in a Pajiba thread, but I didn’t like (500) Days of Summer the first time I saw it.  Wait, that’s not true, I liked it okay but I didn’t love it and the more I thought about it the less I liked it. But then I couldn’t stop thinking about it and by the time I saw it the second time, I fell in love a little.

Anyway, one song from the movie has been stuck in my head for a week now, “Sweet Disposition” by The Temper Trap.  Great song, and it took me a few minutes to figure out why it sounded familiar—the opening is similar to the opening riff of U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name.”  Not that same, by any means, but similar in style.  It’s music that makes you want to walk or run around with a higher purpose and accomplish something. If it backed a scene in a movie, it would definitely be someone running off to find someone or something just in time to resolve the plot (most likely romantic). Urgency and need, that’s what I’m talking about here. With a splash of desperation.  Which sounds terrible on paper, but works really well otherwise.

Want to listen? Click here.

And if you want to see if you agree with me about the U2 similarity, click here.  Please keep in mind that the intro fades in and seems to take forever, so start paying attention around the 17-second mark.

And a question to any readers/commenters: Off the top of your head, can you think of or list any movie scenes with the U2 intro as music? I want to see if I’m right about which scene it would/has worked best for.

Various entertainment news

17 07 2009

First off, C and I have canceled our digital cable. We didn’t even replace with basic cable, which leaves us with NO live tv at all, ever. I thought it would be terrible, but it’s not!! Now we watch stuff because we want to watch it, not just to have background noise. Also, our bill from Time Warner went down by 66% or so. Which is awesome. She did, however, get cables to connect one of the laptops to the tv, so now when we watch something online, we’re not huddling around a tiny screen on the couch. It’s working out really nicely.

What else, M went to a Dirty Projectors concert the other night, which prompted me to dig through some of my downloads and listen to them again. I have a lot of music, so much that I don’t always listen to it often enough. And you know what? I’m addicted to this song. A lot. C hates it, because of the repeating, vaguely Asian jangly bit, but I like it. And the chorus is just fantastic and catchy as hell.  Click below and give it a listen.

No Intention – The Dirty Projectors